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the island of conclusions

Camelot 1.07-1.09

the island of conclusions

bright star

Camelot 1.07-1.09

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bright star
It occurred to me that I haven’t said anything about the last three episodes of Camelot, despite the fact that I’ve enjoyed them more than one probably should. But this week’s episode had me snort-chortling at my screen at least three times, probably three and a half, so I thought I’d remedy things.

I know y'all've been waiting with baited breath. I will try to be as succinct as possible.

1.07: The Long Night.


This was the one with the orgy.

Morgan, pursuing her usual nefarious schemes, has the gang from Camelot over to Castle Pendragon for dinner. Honestly, it’s like these people live in the Dark Ages equivalent of the cul-de-sac from Desperate Housewives. As a special treat, she’s borrowed the dancing girls from the Dothraki wedding on Game of Thrones, and gotten them to bare their tits in an “Ancient British” kind of way instead of a “Savage” kind of way. Many of the knights retire to knock boots with the girls (all in the same room. As one does at an orgy)—but not Arthur, because he’s pining for Guinevere, or Leontes, because he’s married to Guinevere, and not Gawaine, because—well, decide for yourself.

But the orgy turns out not to be the point f the episode at all. Instead, with even more nefariousness, Morgan engineers a fake attack—and the Camelot bunch hunkers down to defend Castle Pendragon from the (fake) marauders. And from that point on the episode is more like one of those church lock-ins where all the young people mill around flirting and tussling and trying to establish a pecking order. Merlin and Igraine are the designated grown-ups, and they look at each other a lot like “I can’t believe we’re the most mature people here.

And then Morgan chains Igraine to the wall, morphs into Igraine’s shape, and goes back to Camelot in her place to wreak further havoc.


1.08: Igraine.

This is basically a bodyswap episode. Except that Morgan is Igraine and Igraine is still Igraine but chained to a wall.

So no Eva Green for the whole episode, but Claire Forlani does a surprisingly creditable job of being Eva Green.

As you might imagine, Morgan-as-Igraine wanders around Camelot doing dastardly things. Like telling Leontes that Guinevere slept with Arthur the morning of their wedding day. And murdering innocent young boys. Stuff like that.

But the most interesting thing that happens, from a completely biased point of view, is that one evening Morgan-as-Igraine comes back to her room and Merlin is sitting there in the dark waiting for her.

“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” he tells her. And they fuck like bunnies.

Which is pretty hot. Along with the chemistry of the pairing (or is it a threesome?) Merlin turns out to have even more tattooing and crazy symbolic scarification than one could have ever hoped for.

And it’s interesting—because it seem like he must know that this isn’t the real Igraine. He’s magic, right? And there must be a stench of magic coming off this woman like you wouldn’t believe. But he doesn’t say anything—so it seems like either he doesn’t know, or he’s living out his fantasy of sleeping with both of them. Creepy, yeah, and again, kind of hot.

Meanwhile, tied-to-an-wall!Igraine turns out to be more bloody-minded than one would have expected. She barters sexual favors with a guard for her release, then is all but raped (it’s genuinely ugly) before stabbing the guard in the back with his own knife.

She hightails it back to Camelot. And there in the courtyard is—herself!

Da-da-dum.


1.09: The Battle of Bardon Pass.


There is a lot of plot in this episode: Leontes confronts Guinevere about sleeping with Arthur, blah, blah, blah: Morgan continueds her nefarious plan by attacking the Bardon Pass outpost and Arthur and all his knights go off to defend it, even though all the knights think the king is a douchebag now because he slept with Guinevere, blah, blah, blah; Merlin and Igraine go off to Castle Pendragon to bring Morgan back for justice and get tied up in ropes for their efforts, blah, blah, blah.

Let’s just skip to the parts that made me snort-chortle, shall we?

Okay, so Igraine thinks she’s crazy because she just saw herself, so she staggers up to her room to recover. And who’s cozied up in her bed looking all comfy and amorous? Yup.

She’s all “bzuh?” and he’s all “what happened to you?” because this Igraine has a big scrape across her cheek. And she’s all “Morgan had me chained to a wall for three days, and you bozos didn’t even try to rescue me.” And he’s all “but you were just here.”

And then she asks, “Did we do it?”

And he’s all “I thought we did.”

Because apparently Morgan-as-Igraine duped him too. Though that’s kind of hard to believe, I have to say. Maybe he’s lying. Igraine believes him, though. She just says, later, “I wish I’d been there.” You and me both, sister.

Then Merlin finds out from Leontes about Arthur sleeping with Guinevere on her wedding day. So he catches Arthur coming out of some room and delivers an uppercut to the chin that sends the king sprawling and then proceeds to ream him out big time for being an idiot. It’s very satisfying.

But I’ve saved the best for last.

I expect you’ve wondered through all of this just when Morgan devises all these wonderful nefarious schemes?

And the answer is: in the bath.

I kid you not. There is a whole scene of Morgan lying naked in her bath figuring out how to bring Camelot to its knees. She’s got her girls with her—Sybil the Sinister Sister and the fabulous Vivian (not in the bath, just, um, servicing her).

And she’s smoking a hookah.

No. Really. I didn’t even know they had hookahs in the Dark Ages.

I would kill for a screencap of this scene.

Also for one of the fabulous headdress she wears in the following scene, which has sizeable gold discs suspended by wires encircling her head.


I dunno. Say all you want about Game of Thrones, but I think I’d back Eva Green’s Morgan any day over Lena Headey’s Cersei in the battle of the Voluptuous Evil Queens.
  • *chortle* LOL!
    • *G* I find the whole thing irresistible--don't ask me why!

      *looks around hopefully for your WC fic*
      • I know, I know! But it's one thing to nip on eljay at work and read posts, and quite another to post your own fic /sheepish
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